Treadmill AKA Machine of Torture

There are very few things I really hate.  I can list them pretty briefly:

5)  driving behind someone who has forgotten to turn off their turn signal 

4)  doing laundry

3)  waiting

2)  parents who don’t take care of their children

1)  treadmills

            Yes, treadmills get the number one spot.  I find them to be machines of inane and worthless torture.  I came across an article by Runner’s World recently (I’d post the link, but their site seems to be down) about 2 people who are aiming to set the World Record for a treadmill marathon.  A treadmill marathon.  Seriously??  26.2 miles is hard enough, but you want to do it on a treadmill?  That’s 26.2 miles of running, sweating, pushing yourself to your limits, testing your inner strength and willpower, all WITHOUT GOING ANYWHERE.  Running on a treadmill is just insane. 

            There are so many reasons why I hate treadmills.  First of all, maybe this is just me, but I never quite feel balanced.  I always feel like one wrong hip movement is going to send me toppling over the side.  One misplaced footstep and I’ll be tossed backwards into the poor sap who has chosen whatever machine of gym torture finds its home behind me.  I feel awkward on a treadmill.  It's simply unnatural.

            I also hate treadmills because I am a numbers person.  And I like to beat the numbers.  Don’t ask me to explain what exactly that means, but usually it ends with me pushing the speed up way higher than I should ever be running.  And then, that 3 mile short run I was going to do?  No, those numbers don’t look big enough.  I always feel required to keep going.  No matter how bored, out of breath, and overworked I am.  Now, you could argue that I could do the same with my super high tech Nike+ GPS watch, but on a treadmill, the those numbers are huge and right in front of me and impossible to ignore.  There’s the speed, the distance, and—worst of all—the calories.  As long as that calorie number keeps going up and up, I keep going and going.  It is a race that never ends.

            And then the boredom sets in.  Here I am, trapped on this awful machine, bound by numbers, and bored.  I could stare at the TV, trying to read the closed captioning (because of course, I forgot my headphones).  Or I could look at the mirror that every gym has so strategically placed in front of the treadmills.  But once I get caught looking at the mirror, then all of a sudden I am criticizing every bouncing piece of skin that simply shouldn’t be bouncing.  Or I begin to analyze my running gait, which then sets me off balance and I have to stop and restart for fear of falling over. 

            There’s also the problem that treadmills exist inside of gyms.  And I really don’t like gyms either.  Yes, there are many people who go to gyms to work out and get in shape, and that’s great.  But there are also a group of people who go to gyms to a) show off their awesomely chiseled bodies to people who hate them for it, b) criticize people who “aren’t doing it right,” or c) get a date.  This is too much pressure for me.  Too many people watching my awkward, off-kilter, bouncy skin treadmill running.  And if they’re not watching, I’m imagining they are, which is really all that matters.

And then, on top of all of this, there’s Lucy.  I don’t just run for me.  Most of the time I’m running for her as well.  Lucy needs the energy release just as much as me.  This can’t happen while I’m on a treadmill.  Yes, I’ve seen the episodes of The Dog Whisperer where Cesar amazingly trains dogs to run on treadmills, but I have neither the resources nor wherewithal to complete this task.  Plus, I can’t see the local gyms being too thrilled about me bringing my dog along and leashing her up on the neighboring treadmill as I run for miles.  This might be frowned upon.  Those watching, judging people would yell at me.  I don’t do well with that.

And finally (I promise), the biggest reason that I hate treadmills is because of views like this:

That's the Space Needle on the left and Mt. Rainer on
the right.  Easily one of the best views in Seattle.

And colors like this:

I admit I'm not running here, but you get the point.

And sunsets like this:

I do not pay $150 a month to see this.

Why on Earth would you choose to run inside a hot, stuffy, smelly gym full of watchful eyes when you could be outside, in the world?  I fully acknowledge rainy, miserable days (I do live in Seattle), but in all honesty, I’d still rather be outside running somewhere in a 30 degree sleet/snow mix than running nowhere on a treadmill.  But hey, maybe that’s just me.  I'm a person who likes to be going places.

What do you think?  Am I just amazingly biased against treadmills or do you agree?  Leave a comment!