The new girl

I wanted to write this post yesterday.  Luckily, I didn't have time.  I'm thankful for this because the post I was devising in my head yesterday is very different from the one I feel ready to write now.  Before I get going though, I'm going to give you the pep talk I got.  Because it's kind of awesome:

(This kid is amazing.  If you search Kid President on Youtube, he's got tons of videos, including one where he actually gets to meet Obama in the Oval Office.)

My new principal showed this video to me yesterday, and it wasn't until this evening, on the way home from work at about 7:15 PM that I finally really heard it (metaphorically...I don't watch Youtube in the car while driving).

Like I said in my last post, the past couple weeks have been tough.  I've been trying to figure out my classroom situation and having been missing my old school and former coworkers way more than I imagined I would (I knew I would miss them, I just didn't know it would be to this extent).  And this week started out no different.

After spending a weekend in Whistler spectating Ironman Canada, watching some amazing people finish an amazingly difficult physical challenge, and feeding off their strength in an effort to absorb some for my own quickly approaching race, I wasn't quite ready to dive back into work.  But Tuesday came nonetheless and with it my first official workday in my new district (yes, I had been going in to set up my classroom for a couple weeks already, but this was my first full paid districtwide work day).

On Tuesday, I felt a bit of shell shock as I entered our district center for an districtwide training (Federal Way was by far too gigantic for them to hope of ever putting us all in one place, but in Shoreline, we barely filled an old high school auditorium).  Being in a setting other than my own building still made it feel a little unreal though.  It almost felt like any other out of building training day.  It seemed like the next day I would go back to my old school and all would be normal again.

But then I got to school yesterday and spent the morning trying to make a schedule with my new K/1 coworkers, during which I felt like I was lost and drowning.  Where normally, I have a lot of my own input and opinions, I felt like the new shy girl in the corner with nothing to say.  After that, I spent an hour or so wandering the building trying to track down curriculum that I should have but don't, and don't know where to go or who to ask to find it (luckily one of my first grade coworkers spent her own time helping me out).  Then in the afternoon, the whole staff gathered together as the new principal talked about what an amazing school this is (which it is) and what a family the staff is (which I am happy about) and proceeded to praise them all for a long time.  And I didn't feel like I deserved to be there hearing it.

I've been the new girl quite a few times in my life, and I've always hated it.  Whether I was in pre-K, 7th grade, off to college, or starting a new job, being the new girl has never been fun or easy for me.  And I feel like this time is even harder because at my old job I was more comfortable in my own skin than I had ever felt before.

And right now, my skin doesn't feel so comfortable.

That night, I attended the Leadership Team orientation meeting for my upcoming TNT spring team.  As I went for a group run before the meeting and then sat through the orientation, I thought to myself, I feel at home here.  It's nice to feel that way again, just for a little while.  I thought sadly to myself, wouldn't it be great to feel like this all the time again.

I don't know where this "Emotional Tessa" has emerged from lately.  I don't remember even feeling this emotional when I made the cross country move to Seattle.  Maybe with age and maturity comes the ability to feel things more deeply.  Or maybe it's just me.  Maybe I've finally learned how to allow myself to acknowledge and experience the roller coaster of emotions that exists in life.  The sad parts seem sadder, but along with that the happier parts seem all the happier.

So then I went to work today.  And I spent the morning learning about our math curriculum, which totally lends itself towards the way I've been teaching math for years (honestly, this was one of my biggest worries about changing jobs).  Then I spent time planning the first weeks of school with my grade level team and got to share some of my expertise, which they welcomed with open arms.  They happily shared their expertise with me too.  And I finally felt like a teacher again.  Not a floundering new girl.

Then I opened up the windows in my classroom.

We didn't get windows in Federal Way.  Much less ones that actually opened.

I ate lunch in the lunch room and got to talk marathon talk with some coworkers.

Then I continued planning through the afternoon and things began to clarify and settle themselves out in my head.  I could mentally see the first day of school.  Finally.

Then this evening, we had our Back to School BBQ put on by PTA.  I went home to walk Lucy in between, which was AMAZING.  This was one of the big reasons for wanting to leave my commute behind.  I left work at 4, got home and walked Lucy, did a wardrobe change, and was back at school by 5:15.  Last year if I left school at 4, it wouldn't be surprising to not make it home until 5:15.  

At the BBQ, I found out that I have the PTA president's daughter in my class, along with the daughter of another PTA board member.  The special ed teacher's daughter is in my class too.  I also talked with the dad of one of my students and found out that he went to elementary school at the Federal Way school I'm so sadly leaving behind.  I found this small world connection to be wonderfully comforting for some reason.  I also met 4 or 5 other students that will be in my class, along with their families.

Suddenly, I started feeling good.  I started getting excited.  I started realizing that this change, no matter how much it hurts (no matter how many rocks and thorns and pieces of glass I encounter), is going to be good.  There was a reason I chose to make this change.  There was a reason I felt so strongly about it, resisting the urge to reconsider and change my mind all of last year.

Not cool, Robert Frost.

Right now, I still feel like the new girl.  But I'm starting to settle in.  And I'm realizing that maybe, just maybe, this is actually a place that could one day feel like home.

Now I just have to figure out how to fit all the training in too...

I'm ready to get this done

I'm about ready for this triathlon to just go ahead and get here.  It would have been absolutely perfect if this race were timed just about 2 weeks earlier.  Not to say that I'm not excited.  I am.  But I'm ready to be done with training already.  I'm more than ready to put away my swim cap and bike helmet for the season.  They've served me well, but I could do without them until next summer.

It's different with running.  While I certainly have my ups and downs with running, I never just decide I'm "done for the season."  Running is always and will always be here, as long as I have any say in it.  With swimming and cycling, I'm definitely starting to get that feeling.  Yesterday I went for a swim in Green Lake and just didn't have the mental capacity to go longer than 20 minutes (probably a little over a half mile...I forgot my watch).  I just couldn't help but think, I don't want to be doing this right now.

The novelty of tri training has kind of worn off, and I'm realizing that it's really time consuming, tiring, and very mentally tough.  I've definitely enjoyed everything (well, almost everything) up until this point, and I couldn't be happier with the way I spent my summer.  But summer is now over and I'm ready for tri training to be over too.

However, I've only been feeling this way since I started going back to school this week.  It probably has a lot to do with the fact that it is simply time to start putting all my focus into my new job adventure, and trying to experience two separate adventures at once is becoming a little overwhelming.

That said, I've really enjoyed all of the training I've been doing this summer.  I've learned a ton about myself as a cyclist.  Especially in the past couple weeks, as I've been attending a once a week spin class (at Beautiful Bike in Fremont, check it out).  The instructor has been incredibly helpful with advice on form, breathing, and how to climb hills on the bike.  I'm feeling stronger than ever.  In fact, in the last class, he reminded me to just "enjoy how fit you are."  No one's ever really told me to do that before.  I'm strong right now, and instead of stressing about worries for the race, I should be enjoying all this work I've done and the end result.

So, while I sit here snuggling with Lucy and basking in the glory of my fitness, let me tell you about two very enjoyable bike rides I had this week.  They were enjoyable for entirely opposing reasons, but still enjoyable nonetheless.

She's being extra snuggly right now because there's a
mostly packed suitcase in the bedroom.  She dislikes that
very much.

1)  The "Aussie Style" Brick.  I'm not really sure where this name comes from or why, but that's what Ironman Jason called it, so I'm going with it.  Before I explain, let me tell you about Magnolia (if you've followed the blog since the beginning, this is a much different description of Magnolia than was put forth when describing my Boxcar days).  Magnolia is a very hilly, large peninsula on the west side of Seattle.  It is a beautiful neighborhood, parts of which overlook the Sound and include a large, tucked away park that feels like it could be out in the middle of nowhere, not in a large city.  Back when I lived in Magnolia, I had lots of running loops throughout the neighborhood, the longest of which was a 5.5 mile loop that skirted the bluff, was one of my favorite runs, and still is to this day.

There's also a similar bike loop through the neighborhood, which if you follow the path that Ironman Jason and I did, is exactly 7.8 miles and includes 846 feet of elevation gain.  If you go counterclockwise around the loop, you have a couple short, steep climbs, and a good amount of downhill relief.  Clockwise means the opposite: long, slow climbs and short steep downhills.  As Jason put it: counterclockwise is a strengthening ride and clockwise is an endurance ride.  Both good and both challenging in their own rights.

On Monday morning, Ironman Jason and I parked over in Magnolia with bike gear and running shoes in tow, ready to attack the most challenging brick workout I've ever done (really the only one, aside from some 15 minute runs after a bike ride or some post swim runs).  Jason's car was our "transition" area between legs of the workout.

So here's the gist of the "Aussie Style" brick we did:
1)  3 bike loops (counterclockwise) = 23.3 miles, 2,385 feet of elevation gain, in 1 hour 31 mins.
2)  10 min run = 1.14 miles @ 8:36 pace
3)  2 bike loops (clockwise) = 15.9 miles, 1,878 feet of elevation gain, in 1 hour 8 mins
4)  20 min run = 2.02 miles @ 9:03 pace
5)  1 bike loop (counterclockwise) = 7.8 miles, 846 feet elevation gain, 33 mins
6)  30 min run = 3.22 miles @ 8:34 pace

Total time: 4.5 hours
Total bike miles: 47
Total run miles: 6.38

This workout was the most mentally and physically challenging thing I've done since my last marathon (although it doesn't come close to how mentally challenging that marathon was).  The first 3 loops on the bike felt great.  As hilly as Magnolia is, I ride it often and sincerely enjoy it.  After that though, on the first run, my hip kept seizing up from the transition, and I didn't really feel all that good.  It seemed to mostly fade by the end though, and I crossed my finger it wouldn't come back for the next 2 runs.

On the middle bike leg, I got tired of slow hill climbs very quick and decided in the first loop that I like the counterclockwise loop MUCH better than clockwise.  It felt like the hills never ended and I didn't get that much recovery time on the downhills because they were so short.  Plus, I'm still not really comfortable with steep downhills on the bike.  I get visions of tumbling headfirst with a disastrous end.

For the middle, 20 minute run my legs felt a lot better, but for some reason we decided to head off in a direction that took us on a 200 foot climb up for a mile and then we turned around and ran back down.  We ran the second mile a full minute faster than the first.

On the last loop on the bike, I believe there was a point where I told Jason that I was "about ready to kill him" for making me do this, or something to that extent.  My legs were shot and we still had a 30 minute run ahead of us.  But we finished on a downhill, so that was somewhat redeeming.

The last run was tough.  We went 15 minutes out, and both of us were exhausted.  It felt like those were the longest 15 minutes I'd experience in quite a while (although yesterday's swim seemed pretty similar now that I think about it).  On the way back as our legs warmed up and got used to the running though, we started to pick up speed.  Jason kept spouting off how much faster our current mile was than our last, and I think we were both pretty surprised at the paces we kept at the end of this long, tough workout.

4.5 hours in, I'd say an 8:16 final mile with another speedy burst at the
end is something to be proud of.  I'm sure there was an element of
"I just want to be done" that motivated the speed.

At the end of this workout, I felt the ultimate endurance athlete high.  The "holy crap that was hard but now I feel amazing!" high.  I was exhausted and my knees hated me for the rest of the day and the day after, but I felt more reassured than I ever had about this triathlon thing.  It gave me the mental boost I needed to tell myself that maybe I actually can complete this race.

2)  Flat and easy on the Burke.  The next amazing ride that I had was 2 days later.  I wanted to get out and spin my legs as they continued to recover from the brick workout, so I chose to do a flat out and back from my apartment down to the Burke-Gilman trail (there's still a fairly significant climb to get back up the hill home, but everything else is flat).  I wanted to spend a long day at work, so I woke up early enough to give Lucy her morning walk and be on the bike and out the door by 8 am.  

On the Burke at 8 am, the only bikers out there are commuters heading towards the city, which was the opposite direction from where I was going.  The temperature was perfect and the sky was clear.  With all the angst I'd been feeling at my new job, it was just the peaceful, calm, quiet ride that I needed.  I rode 10 miles out to Matthews Beach and decided that I could gift myself a little bit of extra time and venture down to the actual beach.

As I rolled in, there was literally one other person there, an old man reading a newspaper on a bench.  It seemed classically surreal.  Matthews Beach is usually crowded with activity and people, especially on a beautiful summer day.  But here, at 9 am on a Wednesday morning, it was almost deserted.  I found a post to prop my bike, took a picture, and proceeded to sit there, doing nothing but just be there, for about 25 minutes.

Nothing but blue sky and ducks with their feathery butts in the air as they
reached deep in the water for breakfast.  And crows taking baths.  It kind of
made even those black little creepers seem endearing.

For what seemed like the first time in the last couple weeks, I sat there feeling calm, devoid of the inner dialogue that constantly plagues me.  It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.  Eventually I had to get up and head home again to face the rest of the day, but I carried the calmness with me for the 10 miles back home and even kept it for a few hours in the classroom as I decided that I would finish up what I could that day, and then not allow myself to go into work the next day--calling it my last "official" day of summer.

While this ride was entirely different from my brick workout on Monday, it excited me and rejuvenated me in almost the same way.  At the end, I felt accomplished and ready to take on whatever came next.

So here's what's next: I have a week of professional development days ahead, Labor Day weekend (including HLM's birthday celebrations!), and then it's back to school for the little ones.  I still have 3 more weeks of training to fit in there somewhere, and it seems like there's all too much on my calendar in the coming weeks.

But tomorrow morning, I'm going to finish packing that mostly-packed suitcase that is turning Lucy into a nervous snuggle-muffin right now, put it in the car, and drive up to Whistler to watch Ironman Canada.  This will be the first Ironman I've ever seen in person, and there are a few people I know doing it.  I'll also be spectating with Ironman Joe and Ironman MacKenzie, so I'm excited for a fun weekend away.  It's the only non-staycation vacation I've taken this summer, and I think it'll do me good to step out of real life, if only for a couple days.

I'm also hoping, that by watching this race, my excitement, motivation, and inspiration for doing my half-Iron will be renewed.  It is timed perfectly just 3 weeks before my race as I'm hitting my "I'm done with training" slump.

And maybe I'll come back with some great stories to tell you.

Happy end of summer.

I'm back

I haven't written in a while.  I am completely aware of this fact, and it's been gnawing at me for quite some time.  I'm not going to apologize for my lack of blogging (I mean, really, I don't think anyone out there anxiously holds their breath from one blog post to another), but I do have an explanation for it.

I've thought about writing, but every time I think about trying, it's seemed more like a chore than something I actually wanted to do.  And blogging is something I do because it relaxes me and eases my busy mind.  I'm not going to turn it into a homework project that I feel like "needs" to be done.  I don't want to write something just because I feel like I must.  It would probably turn out crappy anyways because there would be no heart behind it.

I've also been taking a writing class and spending much of my "blogging time" actually working on homework assignments, trying to pretend that I'm a real writer that can write fiction and stuff.  It's been a challenge and fun and has given me a lot to think about in regards to what I want to accomplish in the world of writing (and perhaps even publishing...eek).

And then there's this: in the past couple of weeks I feel like I've been experiencing an extreme range of emotions I haven't experienced in quite some time.  And when I sit to think about spilling my current life updates onto an internet page, I've been slightly worried about just what exactly might come pouring out.  So ignoring it has been a bit of an escape.  I've sat down at the computer quite often in my free time lately, but instead of typing in my blogger address as I typically would, I've found myself typing "netflix.com" much more often (if you haven't watched Orange is the New Black yet, YOU ARE MISSING OUT).

So upon further thought, I've come to the conclusion that the best way to explain to you how life has been for the past 2 (almost 3) weeks and get this blog thing on a roll again is to walk you through what I've been experiencing, emotion by emotion.

Here's what I've been feeling...

Joy.  It's good to start on a positive note, right?  I've had a lot of reasons to celebrate joy in the past couple of weeks.  Most of them having to do with friends.  Sounders games, happy hours, trips to the zoo, fun swimming at the park, birthday parties (both karaoke and bunny-themed), reading in the sunshine, and Lucy time.  There has been a lot of laughter, a lot of good times, and a lot of fun.

I am happy to announce that I've multiplied the number
of times I've ever sung karaoke by 5 this summer (it was
1 and now is 5).  I don't know if the rest of the world is
happy about that.

How can you not be filled with joy when you are at a
birthday party surrounded by 17 of these little guys?  And
no, it was not a child's birthday.

Grief. Two kids of grief: Grief for a good friend of mine whose grandfather recently passed.  I was unable to attend services and wanted so badly to be there for her and her family, but I had to simply send my thoughts instead.  Also, on a slightly lighter note, grief for my old job.  On August 1st, I said goodbye to Lake Dolloff Elementary School for good.  As excited as I am to get rid of my 30 mile commute, making this transition has been incredibly hard for me.  I'm going to miss my work-home a great deal.  I already do.

The list of reasons why I love this place would make for a
very very long blog post.  And it would involve a lot of teacher
talk, which would bore most of you.

Gratitude.  I have the most amazingly, overwhelmingly generous friends and family.  After walking into my new classroom for the first time a week and a half ago, I realized that I did not have a carpet for my whole class learning area.  I've been wanting a carpet from Lakeshore that I had in NYC when I taught there (a rectangle carpet with 30 squares on it so each kid can have their own square to be in--amazing for classroom management/seating in the carpet area), so I decided to post a request on Donorschoose.org to see if I could get it funded.  Within a day of posting my plea on Facebook with the link to my page, the carpet was fully funded and then some.  HUGE thanks to Yanni, Erica, Ana, Nadine, Aunt Judy, and mom and dad.  All the funds combined were $175 more than what I needed, so I'm going to wait until the school year gets going to see what other materials and supplies I'm going to need.  I'm already thinking about a new set of classroom books for my little kiddos. I always knew that my friends and family were generous people, but I was blown away by the quick and generous response to this request for my little first graders.  You guys are amazing.  *You can see my Donors Choose page here: http://www.donorschoose.org/tessakaplan and keep an eye out for my next project to post!

Inadequacy.  While my triathlon training has been going really well, I've felt a great deal of inadequacy here.  I feel like I simply can't fit in all the workouts, and when I do, I just don't know if I'm doing well enough.  I still don't feel 100% comfortable on the bike and my arms are always tired when I swim.  That said, I am doing everything I can and giving it my all when I get out there.  Here's a snapshot of my training log for the past couple weeks.  The white section is what I should be doing, the colored box below is what I actually did.  I have been switching this up some (flip flopping a run for a swim on some days, and doing my long bike rides on Mondays instead of Fridays), so that's why it doesn't always match up.  The weekly totals are on the right-hand side.

I've been averaging 2 swims, 3 bikes, and 2-3 runs per week.  I wanted to get 3 of each in, but life outside of training exists, so that's been tough.

Pride.  Aside from the above feelings of inadequacy, I am actually very proud of all the training I've been doing.  Since my go-to training buddy Ironman Jason got a part-time summer job, I've been doing the vast majority of this training on my own.  I've been rocking my spin classes lately, getting myself to the pool and/or lake as often as I can, and doing a lot of biking fearlessly on my own.  Even if I haven't been able to fit everything I wanted to in, I still feel like I'm well prepared for my race, which is just a short month away.  No matter how the race goes, I'm proud of how much work I've put into it.

Biking may not be my favorite, but I'm still out there doing it and
enjoying it (most of the time).  I'm proud of that.

Overwhelmth.  I realize that's not a word, but what's the noun for feeling overwhelmed?  I've started attempting to move into my new classroom, and have been faced with a lot of stress and difficulties in doing so.  I tried to move in twice before actually being able to, due to the teacher who was in the classroom before me (who is going on leave for a year) being extremely reluctant to take all of her things out of the classroom (that's an understatement).  I've shed many tears over the situation, and for those of you who know me well, you know I'm not a crier.  At least I didn't used to be--I'm starting to feel like that's changing slightly.  Anyways, it wasn't until today, Sunday, that I actually got to go in and spend 5 hours just working on putting my room together and not dealing with the hassles of what this teacher has been putting me through (although 2 of those 5 hours were spent boxing up her stuff).  I now have 4 days before I officially have to go back to school for training days--you know, the days I'm actually paid for--and I'm feeling a time crunch to get set up that I didn't have any intention of facing this year.  Without this added difficulty, I would have spent the past week and a half setting up and wouldn't be worried about it now.  Aside from this teacher though, everyone else in the new school has been extremely supportive, kind, and welcoming, especially my new principal, office manager, and custodian.  It seems as though once this situation is behind us, this is going to be a great community to be a part of.

Excitement.  So, this is happening:

I'm a coach!!

After completing 5 marathon seasons with Team in Training where I served roles as mentor and captain several times, they actually decided to trust me to train other people to be crazy like me!  I will be coaching Spring season for the Whidbey Island Marathon and Half and the Nike Women's DC Half Marathon.  I am excited beyond belief for this season to get underway in November.  I have had so many inspirational coaches during my seasons with the Team, and I am ecstatic to be able to help others the way that I've been helped in the past.  I'm also working with an amazing group of coaches (including running buddy/coach Erica! Yay, we'll be on the same running schedule again!) that I know I will be able to learn a lot from.  This season is going to be a blast and thinking about it has been helping me get through the past week or so of work stress.  Go Team!

Fear.  So much fear.  Fear about doing this half-Iron distance triathlon.  Fear that I'm not trained enough.  Fear that I'll get a flat tire.  Fear that I'll die out like I did in my last marathon.  Fear of starting a new job.  Fear of the fact that I know things are going to be very different.

Fear of starting a job where I won't have these awesome ladies by my side
every day.

Fear that life might be tough, just for a little bit.  The every-year fear of facing a new class of little ones, not knowing what new challenges this year will bring.  Fear of being uncomfortable in my new position until I get to know my new colleagues.  And other fears too, but I think I've listed enough here.

Supported.  As many fears as I currently have, I know that I am surrounded by an amazing support system.  I mentioned the generosity of my friends and family above.  They are also my support system.  If I'm having a tough day, a good friend is just a phone call (actually, probably more like a text) away.  My running friends have also been incredibly supportive of my triathlon undertaking.  Ironman Jason has been helping me with my training, and everyone else never hesitates to say that they know I will rock it.  A cheer squad caravan is being organized on Facebook (thanks to Dorothy!) to come down and support me during the race.  And I also have my experienced race-day sherpa ready to go.  Thanks Ironman MacKenzie!  She also helped me for a couple hours in my classroom today, which was a huge relief in reducing set-up time anxiety.  And as I said above, all the new co-workers that I've met so far have been nothing but supportive, especially in dealing with the unfortunate classroom situation I'm in.  In all the tough moments no matter the circumstances, I never feel alone.  And of course, there's Lucy too.

Good days or tough ones, this little pup knows exactly what her mama needs.

Despite of the kaleidoscope of emotions I've been feeling in the past few weeks, the is one emotion I have NOT felt:

Regret.  I decided a long time ago that I had no intention of living my life with regrets.  Yes, I've made some tough decisions in the last 6 months or so, but I regret none of them.  I am excited for my race, as inadequate and nervous as I may feel at times.  I know that I made the right decision to take a new job this year, as difficult as the transition has been thus far.  I feel as though I've been on quite the roller coaster ride the past few weeks, but I regret none of it.  This is the path I have chosen for myself and I am happy with it.  It may not be super easy right now, but if it was I would probably be just as uneasy about things.  If you don't set some challenges before yourself every now and again, I don't think that you are fully living.  It is in the struggles that we show our strength and grow our happiness.

Here's to living.  And the fantastic array of emotions that go along with it.