I've thought about writing, but every time I think about trying, it's seemed more like a chore than something I actually wanted to do. And blogging is something I do because it relaxes me and eases my busy mind. I'm not going to turn it into a homework project that I feel like "needs" to be done. I don't want to write something just because I feel like I must. It would probably turn out crappy anyways because there would be no heart behind it.
I've also been taking a writing class and spending much of my "blogging time" actually working on homework assignments, trying to pretend that I'm a real writer that can write fiction and stuff. It's been a challenge and fun and has given me a lot to think about in regards to what I want to accomplish in the world of writing (and perhaps even publishing...eek).
And then there's this: in the past couple of weeks I feel like I've been experiencing an extreme range of emotions I haven't experienced in quite some time. And when I sit to think about spilling my current life updates onto an internet page, I've been slightly worried about just what exactly might come pouring out. So ignoring it has been a bit of an escape. I've sat down at the computer quite often in my free time lately, but instead of typing in my blogger address as I typically would, I've found myself typing "netflix.com" much more often (if you haven't watched Orange is the New Black yet, YOU ARE MISSING OUT).
So upon further thought, I've come to the conclusion that the best way to explain to you how life has been for the past 2 (almost 3) weeks and get this blog thing on a roll again is to walk you through what I've been experiencing, emotion by emotion.
Here's what I've been feeling...
Joy. It's good to start on a positive note, right? I've had a lot of reasons to celebrate joy in the past couple of weeks. Most of them having to do with friends. Sounders games, happy hours, trips to the zoo, fun swimming at the park, birthday parties (both karaoke and bunny-themed), reading in the sunshine, and Lucy time. There has been a lot of laughter, a lot of good times, and a lot of fun.
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| I am happy to announce that I've multiplied the number of times I've ever sung karaoke by 5 this summer (it was 1 and now is 5). I don't know if the rest of the world is happy about that. |
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| How can you not be filled with joy when you are at a birthday party surrounded by 17 of these little guys? And no, it was not a child's birthday. |
Grief. Two kids of grief: Grief for a good friend of mine whose grandfather recently passed. I was unable to attend services and wanted so badly to be there for her and her family, but I had to simply send my thoughts instead. Also, on a slightly lighter note, grief for my old job. On August 1st, I said goodbye to Lake Dolloff Elementary School for good. As excited as I am to get rid of my 30 mile commute, making this transition has been incredibly hard for me. I'm going to miss my work-home a great deal. I already do.
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| The list of reasons why I love this place would make for a very very long blog post. And it would involve a lot of teacher talk, which would bore most of you. |
Gratitude. I have the most amazingly, overwhelmingly generous friends and family. After walking into my new classroom for the first time a week and a half ago, I realized that I did not have a carpet for my whole class learning area. I've been wanting a carpet from Lakeshore that I had in NYC when I taught there (a rectangle carpet with 30 squares on it so each kid can have their own square to be in--amazing for classroom management/seating in the carpet area), so I decided to post a request on Donorschoose.org to see if I could get it funded. Within a day of posting my plea on Facebook with the link to my page, the carpet was fully funded and then some. HUGE thanks to Yanni, Erica, Ana, Nadine, Aunt Judy, and mom and dad. All the funds combined were $175 more than what I needed, so I'm going to wait until the school year gets going to see what other materials and supplies I'm going to need. I'm already thinking about a new set of classroom books for my little kiddos. I always knew that my friends and family were generous people, but I was blown away by the quick and generous response to this request for my little first graders. You guys are amazing. *You can see my Donors Choose page here: http://www.donorschoose.org/tessakaplan and keep an eye out for my next project to post!
Inadequacy. While my triathlon training has been going really well, I've felt a great deal of inadequacy here. I feel like I simply can't fit in all the workouts, and when I do, I just don't know if I'm doing well enough. I still don't feel 100% comfortable on the bike and my arms are always tired when I swim. That said, I am doing everything I can and giving it my all when I get out there. Here's a snapshot of my training log for the past couple weeks. The white section is what I should be doing, the colored box below is what I actually did. I have been switching this up some (flip flopping a run for a swim on some days, and doing my long bike rides on Mondays instead of Fridays), so that's why it doesn't always match up. The weekly totals are on the right-hand side.
Pride. Aside from the above feelings of inadequacy, I am actually very proud of all the training I've been doing. Since my go-to training buddy Ironman Jason got a part-time summer job, I've been doing the vast majority of this training on my own. I've been rocking my spin classes lately, getting myself to the pool and/or lake as often as I can, and doing a lot of biking fearlessly on my own. Even if I haven't been able to fit everything I wanted to in, I still feel like I'm well prepared for my race, which is just a short month away. No matter how the race goes, I'm proud of how much work I've put into it.
Overwhelmth. I realize that's not a word, but what's the noun for feeling overwhelmed? I've started attempting to move into my new classroom, and have been faced with a lot of stress and difficulties in doing so. I tried to move in twice before actually being able to, due to the teacher who was in the classroom before me (who is going on leave for a year) being extremely reluctant to take all of her things out of the classroom (that's an understatement). I've shed many tears over the situation, and for those of you who know me well, you know I'm not a crier. At least I didn't used to be--I'm starting to feel like that's changing slightly. Anyways, it wasn't until today, Sunday, that I actually got to go in and spend 5 hours just working on putting my room together and not dealing with the hassles of what this teacher has been putting me through (although 2 of those 5 hours were spent boxing up her stuff). I now have 4 days before I officially have to go back to school for training days--you know, the days I'm actually paid for--and I'm feeling a time crunch to get set up that I didn't have any intention of facing this year. Without this added difficulty, I would have spent the past week and a half setting up and wouldn't be worried about it now. Aside from this teacher though, everyone else in the new school has been extremely supportive, kind, and welcoming, especially my new principal, office manager, and custodian. It seems as though once this situation is behind us, this is going to be a great community to be a part of.
Excitement. So, this is happening:
After completing 5 marathon seasons with Team in Training where I served roles as mentor and captain several times, they actually decided to trust me to train other people to be crazy like me! I will be coaching Spring season for the Whidbey Island Marathon and Half and the Nike Women's DC Half Marathon. I am excited beyond belief for this season to get underway in November. I have had so many inspirational coaches during my seasons with the Team, and I am ecstatic to be able to help others the way that I've been helped in the past. I'm also working with an amazing group of coaches (including running buddy/coach Erica! Yay, we'll be on the same running schedule again!) that I know I will be able to learn a lot from. This season is going to be a blast and thinking about it has been helping me get through the past week or so of work stress. Go Team!
Fear. So much fear. Fear about doing this half-Iron distance triathlon. Fear that I'm not trained enough. Fear that I'll get a flat tire. Fear that I'll die out like I did in my last marathon. Fear of starting a new job. Fear of the fact that I know things are going to be very different.
Fear that life might be tough, just for a little bit. The every-year fear of facing a new class of little ones, not knowing what new challenges this year will bring. Fear of being uncomfortable in my new position until I get to know my new colleagues. And other fears too, but I think I've listed enough here.
Supported. As many fears as I currently have, I know that I am surrounded by an amazing support system. I mentioned the generosity of my friends and family above. They are also my support system. If I'm having a tough day, a good friend is just a phone call (actually, probably more like a text) away. My running friends have also been incredibly supportive of my triathlon undertaking. Ironman Jason has been helping me with my training, and everyone else never hesitates to say that they know I will rock it. A cheer squad caravan is being organized on Facebook (thanks to Dorothy!) to come down and support me during the race. And I also have my experienced race-day sherpa ready to go. Thanks Ironman MacKenzie! She also helped me for a couple hours in my classroom today, which was a huge relief in reducing set-up time anxiety. And as I said above, all the new co-workers that I've met so far have been nothing but supportive, especially in dealing with the unfortunate classroom situation I'm in. In all the tough moments no matter the circumstances, I never feel alone. And of course, there's Lucy too.
Despite of the kaleidoscope of emotions I've been feeling in the past few weeks, the is one emotion I have NOT felt:
Regret. I decided a long time ago that I had no intention of living my life with regrets. Yes, I've made some tough decisions in the last 6 months or so, but I regret none of them. I am excited for my race, as inadequate and nervous as I may feel at times. I know that I made the right decision to take a new job this year, as difficult as the transition has been thus far. I feel as though I've been on quite the roller coaster ride the past few weeks, but I regret none of it. This is the path I have chosen for myself and I am happy with it. It may not be super easy right now, but if it was I would probably be just as uneasy about things. If you don't set some challenges before yourself every now and again, I don't think that you are fully living. It is in the struggles that we show our strength and grow our happiness.
Here's to living. And the fantastic array of emotions that go along with it.
Inadequacy. While my triathlon training has been going really well, I've felt a great deal of inadequacy here. I feel like I simply can't fit in all the workouts, and when I do, I just don't know if I'm doing well enough. I still don't feel 100% comfortable on the bike and my arms are always tired when I swim. That said, I am doing everything I can and giving it my all when I get out there. Here's a snapshot of my training log for the past couple weeks. The white section is what I should be doing, the colored box below is what I actually did. I have been switching this up some (flip flopping a run for a swim on some days, and doing my long bike rides on Mondays instead of Fridays), so that's why it doesn't always match up. The weekly totals are on the right-hand side.
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| I've been averaging 2 swims, 3 bikes, and 2-3 runs per week. I wanted to get 3 of each in, but life outside of training exists, so that's been tough. |
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| Biking may not be my favorite, but I'm still out there doing it and enjoying it (most of the time). I'm proud of that. |
Excitement. So, this is happening:
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| I'm a coach!! |
Fear. So much fear. Fear about doing this half-Iron distance triathlon. Fear that I'm not trained enough. Fear that I'll get a flat tire. Fear that I'll die out like I did in my last marathon. Fear of starting a new job. Fear of the fact that I know things are going to be very different.
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| Fear of starting a job where I won't have these awesome ladies by my side every day. |
Supported. As many fears as I currently have, I know that I am surrounded by an amazing support system. I mentioned the generosity of my friends and family above. They are also my support system. If I'm having a tough day, a good friend is just a phone call (actually, probably more like a text) away. My running friends have also been incredibly supportive of my triathlon undertaking. Ironman Jason has been helping me with my training, and everyone else never hesitates to say that they know I will rock it. A cheer squad caravan is being organized on Facebook (thanks to Dorothy!) to come down and support me during the race. And I also have my experienced race-day sherpa ready to go. Thanks Ironman MacKenzie! She also helped me for a couple hours in my classroom today, which was a huge relief in reducing set-up time anxiety. And as I said above, all the new co-workers that I've met so far have been nothing but supportive, especially in dealing with the unfortunate classroom situation I'm in. In all the tough moments no matter the circumstances, I never feel alone. And of course, there's Lucy too.
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| Good days or tough ones, this little pup knows exactly what her mama needs. |
Regret. I decided a long time ago that I had no intention of living my life with regrets. Yes, I've made some tough decisions in the last 6 months or so, but I regret none of them. I am excited for my race, as inadequate and nervous as I may feel at times. I know that I made the right decision to take a new job this year, as difficult as the transition has been thus far. I feel as though I've been on quite the roller coaster ride the past few weeks, but I regret none of it. This is the path I have chosen for myself and I am happy with it. It may not be super easy right now, but if it was I would probably be just as uneasy about things. If you don't set some challenges before yourself every now and again, I don't think that you are fully living. It is in the struggles that we show our strength and grow our happiness.
Here's to living. And the fantastic array of emotions that go along with it.
Ha! My life has been an unending stream of challenges!
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