My new principal showed this video to me yesterday, and it wasn't until this evening, on the way home from work at about 7:15 PM that I finally really heard it (metaphorically...I don't watch Youtube in the car while driving).
Like I said in my last post, the past couple weeks have been tough. I've been trying to figure out my classroom situation and having been missing my old school and former coworkers way more than I imagined I would (I knew I would miss them, I just didn't know it would be to this extent). And this week started out no different.
After spending a weekend in Whistler spectating Ironman Canada, watching some amazing people finish an amazingly difficult physical challenge, and feeding off their strength in an effort to absorb some for my own quickly approaching race, I wasn't quite ready to dive back into work. But Tuesday came nonetheless and with it my first official workday in my new district (yes, I had been going in to set up my classroom for a couple weeks already, but this was my first full paid districtwide work day).
On Tuesday, I felt a bit of shell shock as I entered our district center for an districtwide training (Federal Way was by far too gigantic for them to hope of ever putting us all in one place, but in Shoreline, we barely filled an old high school auditorium). Being in a setting other than my own building still made it feel a little unreal though. It almost felt like any other out of building training day. It seemed like the next day I would go back to my old school and all would be normal again.
But then I got to school yesterday and spent the morning trying to make a schedule with my new K/1 coworkers, during which I felt like I was lost and drowning. Where normally, I have a lot of my own input and opinions, I felt like the new shy girl in the corner with nothing to say. After that, I spent an hour or so wandering the building trying to track down curriculum that I should have but don't, and don't know where to go or who to ask to find it (luckily one of my first grade coworkers spent her own time helping me out). Then in the afternoon, the whole staff gathered together as the new principal talked about what an amazing school this is (which it is) and what a family the staff is (which I am happy about) and proceeded to praise them all for a long time. And I didn't feel like I deserved to be there hearing it.
I've been the new girl quite a few times in my life, and I've always hated it. Whether I was in pre-K, 7th grade, off to college, or starting a new job, being the new girl has never been fun or easy for me. And I feel like this time is even harder because at my old job I was more comfortable in my own skin than I had ever felt before.
And right now, my skin doesn't feel so comfortable.
That night, I attended the Leadership Team orientation meeting for my upcoming TNT spring team. As I went for a group run before the meeting and then sat through the orientation, I thought to myself, I feel at home here. It's nice to feel that way again, just for a little while. I thought sadly to myself, wouldn't it be great to feel like this all the time again.
I don't know where this "Emotional Tessa" has emerged from lately. I don't remember even feeling this emotional when I made the cross country move to Seattle. Maybe with age and maturity comes the ability to feel things more deeply. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I've finally learned how to allow myself to acknowledge and experience the roller coaster of emotions that exists in life. The sad parts seem sadder, but along with that the happier parts seem all the happier.
Then I opened up the windows in my classroom.
 |
| We didn't get windows in Federal Way. Much less ones that actually opened. |
Then I continued planning through the afternoon and things began to clarify and settle themselves out in my head. I could mentally see the first day of school. Finally.
Then this evening, we had our Back to School BBQ put on by PTA. I went home to walk Lucy in between, which was AMAZING. This was one of the big reasons for wanting to leave my commute behind. I left work at 4, got home and walked Lucy, did a wardrobe change, and was back at school by 5:15. Last year if I left school at 4, it wouldn't be surprising to not make it home until 5:15.
At the BBQ, I found out that I have the PTA president's daughter in my class, along with the daughter of another PTA board member. The special ed teacher's daughter is in my class too. I also talked with the dad of one of my students and found out that he went to elementary school at the Federal Way school I'm so sadly leaving behind. I found this small world connection to be wonderfully comforting for some reason. I also met 4 or 5 other students that will be in my class, along with their families.
Suddenly, I started feeling good. I started getting excited. I started realizing that this change, no matter how much it hurts (no matter how many rocks and thorns and pieces of glass I encounter), is going to be good. There was a reason I chose to make this change. There was a reason I felt so strongly about it, resisting the urge to reconsider and change my mind all of last year.
Not cool, Robert Frost.
Right now, I still feel like the new girl. But I'm starting to settle in. And I'm realizing that maybe, just maybe, this is actually a place that could one day feel like home.
Now I just have to figure out how to fit all the training in too...
No comments:
Post a Comment