It's not fair

On the way home from work today, I was really grumpy.  I was grumpy as I walked into my apartment.  And I was grumpy as I speed-walked as far as I could to get Lucy some sort of quality walk in before it got dark out.  I fully intended to spend my evening writing an angry, bitter blog post.  I wanted to complain and moan about circumstances frustratingly far out of my realm of control.  And I probably will get around to a little complaining at some point here.

But then I went for a run.

I ran with 2 trusty men by my side to keep me nice and safe in the dark (information for those that are worried--and for those who aren't, I'll explain why one might be in a bit).

And as usual, running made everything better.  The tension I've had in my back and neck all week released.  I forgot that I've been incessantly sick for about 2 months, and it seems to only be getting worse right now.  I forgot that work has been overwhelming.  I forgot that my routines have gone completely out of whack this week.  I forgot that I'm currently running on very little sleep.  I felt good.

I ran, I talked, I laughed, I smiled.  I breathed a deep breath for what seemed like the first time in a few days.

Now, I'm sitting at home eating leftovers and popcorn for dinner.  And I'm completely OK with that.  Even if it is Valentine's Day.

And for those cynics out there, no I was not grumpy because it is Valentine's Day.  Despite the fact that I have been routinely single on most Valentine's Days throughout my life, it is not a holiday I hate.

I mean, really.  How many Valentines did you have today?  Cause I had pretty close to 30.  Beat that.  Did your Valentine's loot come anything close to this?:

Somehow a not-so-sneaky nose made an appearance in this picture.  Sorry
little lady, you will not be getting any chocolate today.  Or any other day.

First graders (and former first graders) know how to show the love on Valentine's Day.  It should take me a number of weeks to make it through all those Spongebob candy Valentines.

I may have felt grumpy all day, but I smiled a lot too.  Because Valentine's Day in first grade is probably the most exciting day of the year.  And by the end of the day, I managed to allow myself to embrace the chaos and make it through.

So...why the grumpiness?  Get ready for a quick change of mood here.

If you aren't a local Seattlite, take a quick browse of this local news article.  In short summary, 4 women were attacked with sexual intent over the course of 4 days from Friday evening to Monday morning.  And all of these attacks happened in neighborhoods closely bordering my own.  The closest attack was just over 20 blocks from my apartment.  All attacks were in the dark (ranging between the times of 8:30 pm to 6:30 am) aimed at women running or walking by themselves.

Something I do quite often.

The one that hit closest to home for me (metaphorically, not literally) happened on the northern outer loop of Green Lake at 6:30 am Monday morning.  My running path.  At a time very close to when I've been out there.  Alone (albeit with Lucy).  In the dark.  Also, just an hour later and a quick jaunt away from my Monday morning Lucy walk.

I'm not typically someone who bases my life around fear of uncontrollable, probably unlikely to occur, circumstances.  I've always prided myself in the past on being "stronger" than letting those things control my life.  But there's a vast difference between being "strong" and being "naive."  And, as with the recent events at Sandy Hook, I could see myself in those victims.  I could see it easily having been me too.

So, literally the day after writing an extensive blog post about my addiction to my routines, I had to suddenly alter my daily structures.  30 minute walk with Lucy in the morning on a route that took me just 5 blocks away from one of the attacks?  Nope, that wasn't happening.  Typical post-work run by myself in the waning light after work?  Nope, not happening either.

Wednesday morning after hearing about the attacks, I woke up, itching to take my little pup out for a walk.  I did walk her, but instead of plugging in my earbuds and walking the 15 blocks north I normally do, I called my mom and kept her on the phone with me as I walked less than 10 blocks north past all the open coffee shops/grocery stores with people in them, then turned around and speed-walked home.

This morning, I only walked the short 3 blocks north to the open Starbucks (long enough for Lucy to do her business), then turned around and went home.  And as I walked the 3 blocks back to my apartment, I got angry.  I wanted to walk my dog.  I wanted to feel free to live my life as I usually do in my typically safe neighborhood.  I wanted to feel safe as I walk down a well lit, fairly high traffic street at 5:30 am.

*Note: I realize when looking at the bigger picture that these complaints are completely first world, selfish problems, but they are my life and I feel I have a right to be upset by them.*

And then it just threw off the rest of the day.  I was so preoccupied with being angry and scared (while figuring out how to fit first grade Valentine's festivities into an already busy day in my head) that I forgot where I was supposed to meet co-worker carpool buddies Natalie and Stephanie for carpool, making us all later than we intended to be for work.  At work my patience with the kids was minimal, which isn't great on a day as exciting and jam-packed as Valentine's Day.  Then I had a meeting after work, and by the time I got home, it was too dark to make it very far with Lucy for a walk.

Even as I prepped for my run, smartly and purposefully planned with safety in numbers, that uneasiness was in the back of my mind.  As I chose my running outfit for the evening, all I could think was wear something that screams, I AM NOTICEABLE.  You can't drag me off into the bushes without anyone realizing.

It may not be PC to say this, but if you can't see me in this
neon shirted clashing lovely outfit you've got to be blind.
The headlamp also adds a noticeable element in the dark.

I felt closed in on both sides of my day by the veil of darkness.  Unfairly, frustratingly trapped by long winter nights and short winter days.  Because I am a girl.  A strong, tall, able-bodied girl.  But a girl nonetheless.  And there is a guy out there that thinks he has a right to any vulnerable girl walking the streets.

It makes me angry.  It makes me grumpy.  It makes me frustrated.  It makes me change my routine.  It makes me change my life.  And I don't like changing my life if I don't want to.

But, as I said, I ran.  And running simply makes everything better.  And while I'm riding the endorphin highs of a great run, I'm going to enjoy it.

Because tomorrow morning, I don't know what I'm going to do.  When it comes time to get up and walk Lucy in the dark, by ourselves, will I be strong and naive and continue to live my life, or be smart and safe and change my world because of a fear of something out of my control?

Either way, it makes me uncomfortable.  And I'm going to whine like a first grader and simply say, "It's not fair."