I've been unmotivated, lacking in energy, and generally unexcited about life. I've turned down social outings with friends every night so far this week, preferring to hermit in on my couch, trying to snuggle with my dog and disappear into a book or my Hulu queue (someone else's world, as long as it wasn't my own).
And up until yesterday, I simply couldn't figure out what was wrong. I got home from a 10 hour day at work day, and after deciding that I didn't have the energy for a laid-backed wine and pumpkin carving night with a few of my lady friends, I thought about the fact that I was overdue for a blog post.
So, I sat down to write and instead wasted over an hour playing on Bitstrips for the first time...with this as my final product:
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| Caption: "Tessa wonders if the world is upsidedown or if it's just her." |
And I realized how stupid I've been these past few weeks.
Because the one thing that stood blatantly out in my list of depressing complaints was the fact that me and running in are in a minor separation right now. DUH. I wanted to slap myself in the face.
Of course I've felt lethargic, uninspired, and unmotivated. I haven't been running. My knee randomly started hurting a couple weeks ago, and after giving it a 4 day rest followed by a painful 3 mile run, I decided to give myself a break from running until November 9 (TNT Spring Team first practice!).
I wanted the break. Me and running haven't been the best of friends lately. We've been a little sick of each other. And frankly, we needed a break. And I'm still not dying to get out there and run again. I'm enjoying my break.
But here's the thing I forgot (and the reason I'm so happy that I added "rediscover why I love to run" as number 29 on my 30 things list). I forgot that while I may be physically and mentally burnt out on the act of running, it is running that keeps me sane. Running is the place where for an hour a day, I can focus on me. Just me. The way I feel. The way my body feels (whether good or bad). I focus on my thoughts and my desires and my sense of being. Being out there running allows me to forget everything else for that moment and just be out there running. Because running is all I need to do at that moment. That's it. No working, no cleaning, no cooking, no Facebooking, no emailing, no Instagramming--just running.
Running is what I do to remind myself that me and this body I'm carrying around are just fine. We're healthy. We're active. We're alive. And when I'm out there running, it helps me to remember that everything else that's going on in my fairly stable, happy life is going to work itself out. Running helps me to remember that everything is going to be ok.
In the past few months, I forgot the whole "running is therapy" thing. I wasn't focusing on how running calms my brain, gives me a sense of accomplishment, and helps me feel motivated to continue through my days. Instead, I became obsessed with the numbers (remember when I wrote this back in April? I even knew it way back then). Running became about hitting the paces, pushing the numbers, getting upset if I saw a 9 creep into my mileage paces. No matter how much my body fought back to tell me it didn't want to beat those numbers, I still pushed it.
But when I started running...when I fell in love with running...I could have cared less about the numbers. When I finished my first half marathon, the numbers meant nothing to me. When I finished my first marathon with painful tears of joy, the numbers were the furthest thing from my mind.
I didn't fall in love with running because the numbers kept getting smaller. I fell in love with running because it made me feel amazing.
Running is the underlying factor that keeps my life sailing smoothly. And in the last little while, I'd simply been asking too much of it.
So now, I am still confident in my decision to take a small separation from running for a couple weeks. For the sake of our relationship and the sake of my knee.
But that doesn't mean I have to take a break from everything. That feeling that I get from running may not be matched by any other physical activity I've found so far, but sitting around doing absolutely nothing certainly isn't getting me any closer to a faux runner's high.
Therefore, after deciding not to hit the publish button on a post that had zero positivity in it, I instead bought some more spin classes. And registered for a month's worth of hot yoga. And kicked myself for thinking that it was ok for me to sit around and do nothing just because my knee was hurting a little and I didn't really want to be on speaking terms with running.
Then tonight, I went to the first hot yoga class I've been to in about 4 years. In fact, the last time I did hot yoga, I hadn't run a single race. Not one. And man, it was tough. I could never forget that ridiculous camel pose that makes me want to pass out every time. I had to lay down on the mat a few times, because the heat was getting to me and the light-headedness was becoming overwhelming. But I kept at it and made it through the whole hour.
And afterwards, while I didn't walk away with a runner's high, I was content with the knowledge that today I did something to keep myself healthy, happy, sane, and energetic. My muscles are hurting. And that makes me happy.
I also made a decision. I decided that when running and I start our relationship again, we're going to start the way we did way back when. No watch. No expectations. No numbers. Just me (and maybe even Lucy if her glucosamine kicks her love of running back into gear). One month of paceless, watchless, who-cares-how-many-miles running.
But in the meantime, I'm going to do other things to keep myself mildly sane. Because obviously sitting on the couch is no good for me or the stability of my mind.
It's time to get back out there.
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| Caption: "SERIOUSLY?!" (it only took me 10 minutes to find that one) |
I wanted the break. Me and running haven't been the best of friends lately. We've been a little sick of each other. And frankly, we needed a break. And I'm still not dying to get out there and run again. I'm enjoying my break.
But here's the thing I forgot (and the reason I'm so happy that I added "rediscover why I love to run" as number 29 on my 30 things list). I forgot that while I may be physically and mentally burnt out on the act of running, it is running that keeps me sane. Running is the place where for an hour a day, I can focus on me. Just me. The way I feel. The way my body feels (whether good or bad). I focus on my thoughts and my desires and my sense of being. Being out there running allows me to forget everything else for that moment and just be out there running. Because running is all I need to do at that moment. That's it. No working, no cleaning, no cooking, no Facebooking, no emailing, no Instagramming--just running.
Running is what I do to remind myself that me and this body I'm carrying around are just fine. We're healthy. We're active. We're alive. And when I'm out there running, it helps me to remember that everything else that's going on in my fairly stable, happy life is going to work itself out. Running helps me to remember that everything is going to be ok.
In the past few months, I forgot the whole "running is therapy" thing. I wasn't focusing on how running calms my brain, gives me a sense of accomplishment, and helps me feel motivated to continue through my days. Instead, I became obsessed with the numbers (remember when I wrote this back in April? I even knew it way back then). Running became about hitting the paces, pushing the numbers, getting upset if I saw a 9 creep into my mileage paces. No matter how much my body fought back to tell me it didn't want to beat those numbers, I still pushed it.
But when I started running...when I fell in love with running...I could have cared less about the numbers. When I finished my first half marathon, the numbers meant nothing to me. When I finished my first marathon with painful tears of joy, the numbers were the furthest thing from my mind.
I didn't fall in love with running because the numbers kept getting smaller. I fell in love with running because it made me feel amazing.
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| Crossing the finish line of marathon #2. So happy to just be there. So proud to just be me that day. |
So now, I am still confident in my decision to take a small separation from running for a couple weeks. For the sake of our relationship and the sake of my knee.
But that doesn't mean I have to take a break from everything. That feeling that I get from running may not be matched by any other physical activity I've found so far, but sitting around doing absolutely nothing certainly isn't getting me any closer to a faux runner's high.
Therefore, after deciding not to hit the publish button on a post that had zero positivity in it, I instead bought some more spin classes. And registered for a month's worth of hot yoga. And kicked myself for thinking that it was ok for me to sit around and do nothing just because my knee was hurting a little and I didn't really want to be on speaking terms with running.
Then tonight, I went to the first hot yoga class I've been to in about 4 years. In fact, the last time I did hot yoga, I hadn't run a single race. Not one. And man, it was tough. I could never forget that ridiculous camel pose that makes me want to pass out every time. I had to lay down on the mat a few times, because the heat was getting to me and the light-headedness was becoming overwhelming. But I kept at it and made it through the whole hour.
And afterwards, while I didn't walk away with a runner's high, I was content with the knowledge that today I did something to keep myself healthy, happy, sane, and energetic. My muscles are hurting. And that makes me happy.
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But in the meantime, I'm going to do other things to keep myself mildly sane. Because obviously sitting on the couch is no good for me or the stability of my mind.
It's time to get back out there.
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