Hello old friend

I wanted to run today.

That may not be surprising or earth shattering news to you, but for me it is a massive step towards a path I've been hoping to jump back on for a while.  The mere fact that I wanted to run today means that I might actually be mentally ready to quit this hiatus I've taken from running the past few weeks.

And for me, that's kinda of a big deal.

The past 3 weeks have been, frankly, weird.  I haven't quite felt like myself.  And I've felt a pretty big gaping absence in my life.  I knew exactly what was missing and why I wasn't feeling quite "me," but that didn't make the desire to get out there and run emerge from the recesses of my mind.

I may be sounding melodramatic here, but running started to fade and disappear and feel like an exercise that other people did.  It started to feel like something I used to do, in a different life.  One night late last week, I caught a side glimpse of my race medal rack on the wall and all the race bibs plastered around it...and they didn't feel like mine.  I didn't feel connected to them anymore--as if they were someone else's left behind from another time.

Who put those there?  Certainly it couldn't have been me.

I'm a person who has worked really hard learn how to live in the here and now.  To appreciate where I am and what I'm doing today, and not linger too long on what happened yesterday or may happen tomorrow.  And as I stared at those medals on the wall, I realized that I've truly embraced that "no day but today" mantra (yes, that's a Jonathan Larson reference).  When something disappears from my life, even if only for a short few weeks, it seems as though it doesn't exist anymore.

Running has not been my here and now lately.  Instead I've been hot yogaing my butt off.  Which has been great, albeit different.  Six sessions in the last 2 weeks have been interesting.  It's certainly not easy.  Some days, it feels like I'm making a lot of progress with my flexibility and strengthening.  Then other days, it seems like I can't even make it through half the class.  But I'm growing to enjoy it, now that certain parts are coming more naturally and I don't feel completely lost.

But like I said in my last post, yoga isn't running.  I would love to continue doing weekly yoga, but it could never take the place of running for me.

Last week, as our first Spring Team TNT practice loomed closer, I began to get nervous about running again.  Was my knee ready?  Was my mind ready?  What if my 3 week hiatus wasn't long enough?  What if I still don't quite love running right now?  What if, what if, what if?

Those certainly aren't "here and now" thoughts.

However, Saturday morning arrived, and as I pulled myself out of bed at 6:30am, it was excitement and not dread or fear that I felt.  I wanted to get out there again.  And I think the biggest relief of it all was that there would be no pressure on me from myself.  Because right now, my Saturday and Tuesday team runs are no longer about me.  They're about all the people I'm coaching.

Coach Erica and Coach Tessa, ready help TNT teammates reach race day
safe, injury-free, and happy.

I wanted to get out there and run on Saturday because it had nothing to do with my own mental games.  It was about my Teammates.  And once I was out there, walking and running alongside old friends and new friends, I began to remember why I like being out there.

Just a little bit.

After practice was over, and Team brunch was had, I got home and wasn't feeling quite ready to take my running clothes off.  It had been a while since I'd donned those running tights, and I wanted to see what else we could do together.  So, remembering my one-month no-numbers pledge, I took my watch off and leashed up Lucy.  That's right!  I decided that Lucy was going to give running a try again too.  We could both start back up together.  I knew she'd keep my pace slow and manageable, and I also didn't want to push her much further than a mile or two since it's been so long.

Slow and steady, we went out there and ran.  It was probably no more than 15 minutes.  No more than a mile and a half.  And my knee didn't feel great.  And Lucy was dragging a bit.  But we got out there and ran.  Because I wanted to.  And it felt good to have my pup by my side again.

And then I went to a hot yoga class.  And that was rough.

So I didn't do anything on Sunday (except watch the Seahawks and spend the entire day with friends, enjoying the day).  Carpe Diem.

Then this morning, I woke up feeling good.  I had the day off from work (small aside: thanks to all the Veterans out there--I can't imagine doing what you did...you're braver than I'll ever be).  I intended to have a productive day.  Grocery shopping.  Some crock pot cooking.  Laundry.  Vacuuming.  Hot yoga.  A little bit of school work.

As mid-day approached, and as Lucy's desire to get outside and move began to grow, that strange desire emerged.  I wanted to run.  I wanted to lace up my bright pink running shoes, throw Lucy's leash on her, and go for a loop around Green Lake.

But here's where the voice of smart, intelligent, realistic, and logical Tessa came into play.  I decided not to run.  Because my knee hurt on Saturday.  Because I wanted to relish in this desire to run.  Because as a hunger for running slowly grows in me again, I don't want to quash it with a painful, unpleasant run that could result in an even deeper knee injury.

Instead, Lucy and I went for a long walk.  On a gorgeous 50+ degree, sunny fall day.

I live in a beautiful city.

The walk revived me.  I wanted to run, but I didn't.  And I was grateful for my intelligent choice.  Then when I went to hot yoga, I felt better than I ever have--making it through almost the entire class without needing a break.

Tomorrow I will run again with the team.  I'm excited about it, but still slightly concerned about the condition of my knee.  I might actually break down and make a PT appointment this week.  I figure it couldn't hurt.

Whatever happens though, here's what I know:  Today, I wanted to run.  And even though I didn't actually get out there and do it, I felt more like myself than I have in months.  And I may not be able to run as much as I want to in the next couple of weeks.  But I am thoroughly comforted by the fact that, today, I wanted to run.

And for now, that's going to be enough.