I want to beat all the numbers

I've been running fast lately.  And mentally, it feels great.  Ticking away weekday miles at paces averaging 8:30s and under is very emotionally satisfying for me.  Especially because last year around this time, my weekday averages were closer to 9:15s.  That's a pretty big leap without making a concerted effort to actually get faster.

I like to beat the numbers.  All the numbers.  It doesn't matter what the numbers are counting in what context of life.  It doesn't matter if the numbers are important.  I have to beat them.  Usually it's an internal thing (for ex, thinking things like "yesterday I ran an 8:35, so today I will only be happy with an 8:30"), but I can get externally competitive as well.  If we are having a conversation about numbers, my numbers have to beat your numbers.  You wake up at 6:00?  I wake up at 5:15.  I beat you.  You have 20 kids in your class?  I have 22.  I win.  Oh, you say you actually have 23 little ones in your classroom?  I only have 22.  I still win.

It is no surprise that beating the numbers plays a huge role in my running addiction.  I like watching the miles pile up through the weeks and months.  I like watching my average paces getting smaller and smaller.  I could spend hours staring at my training logs, figuring out all the ways that I beat the numbers.

A small snippet of my OCDish training log, formatting courtesy of Sarah OUaL.
So many numbers.  Such satisfaction.

Running has turned out to be a wonderfully healthy outlet for my "beat all the numbers" obsession.  But as with all obsessions, sometimes one can get a little carried away.

As much as I love beating numbers, I also really love running.  Just running.  Simply running.  And I haven't been doing a lot of that lately.  I feel like I've been walking (or should I say, running?) the thin line between letting the numbers take over and remembering that there are so many other reasons why I love running.

Let's take my latest long runs for instance.  I love long runs.  They are by far my favorite type of run.  Long runs are relaxed and should feel easy.  I've gotten to know many of my TNTers through hours of conversation on long Saturday runs.  Long runs are the only times I really feel the runner's high.  I have to go longer than 6 or 7 miles to really feel that "this is amazing, I feel great, I can't believe I'm running this far, it feels so easy" feeling.  Some of my greatest running memories are from my longest runs (longest run for Goofy and longest run for San Diego last year).  Finishing a run with mileage in the double digits is amazingly satisfying.

Lately, I've settled myself into a group of runners at Saturday TNT practices that are about my pace, but definitely push me too.  This is great.  I like being challenged and pushed to run just a little faster than I'm comfortable with.  It's good for me.  It helps me feel more comfortable with trying to hit a sub-4 hour marathon.  But there's something about pushing the paces that just isn't quite as physically enjoyable.

I haven't been loving my long runs lately.  At first I thought it was because I wasn't eating properly or hydrating well.  I thought I was pushing it too hard during the week or maybe not getting enough sleep.  But I think I've come to realize that it's actually just the numbers.  I want to go fast.  I want to see long run paces near the 8:30s, but this is ridiculous for me.  I'm looking to run my marathon at an average total pace of 9:00 to hit the 4 hour mark.  A long run should be run at a slower pace (according to my coaches, a whole minute slower) than your goal pace.  I'm running mine faster.  There is absolutely no reason for me to be running middle miles that look like this:

These are paces I would expect from a weekday run,
not in the middle of a long run.

I used to be the queen of negative splits on long runs.  I'd finish feeling great, like I could keep going for a few more miles.  Instead, I've been feeling myself slowly dying as I get closer to the finish.  And it makes me enjoy my long runs a little less.  It makes me feel not-so-good as I slow to 9:00 paces in the last couple miles.  It lowers my running confidence, even though I'm running faster than I ever have.  I should be picking up the pace in those final miles, not slowing down.  It makes me forget how much I really love running.

I've been struggling with the balance of wanting to run fast and enjoying my run.  Also, without my trusty running buddy Erica at my side in this training season, I face the possibility of running 2+ hours on my own if I don't keep pace with my little group.  And that prospect is even less enjoyable than completely losing steam at the end.

I want to truly enjoy my Saturday long runs again.  Like I enjoyed the "almost" 5K I completed at a super easy-for-me 9:20 pace yesterday.

I felt great, despite not really feeling so great before the run.
My hair isn't really red like that.  I am not a ginger.

As I enter the Marathon Reality Zone and start thinking about plans for the marathon, I know that I need to get back in the habit of starting slow and hitting negative splits.  I'd be happy with just keeping an 8:45 average pace for the first 3/4s of a long run.  I need to remember that come marathon day, I might be out there all alone for the majority of the miles, so it's time to start thinking about what I really need to do to be able to pull it off on June 22.

This past weekend, I held stronger to my "slower" long run pace of 8:45 (while unfortunately feeling like I was holding everyone else back in the process as they stuck with me).  I felt so much better on the run than I have the past few weeks.  My legs felt like they were dying at the end, but only in a normal I-just-ran-15-miles kind of dying.  Not the you-just-ran-too-fast-we-don't-work-anymore dying.  Still, there were no negative splits.  Not quite good enough.

As much as I want to beat the numbers, Saturday long runs are not the time to do it.  I want to love my Saturdays again.

I think it's time to let the numbers win, just for a little while.